Sometimes....That's Enough

Today, someone asked me how I was feeling lately. 

That's an interesting, multifaceted question these days. Like an onion, the answer has many layers and depends on what day it is and what time of day you are asking.

 Most days, I feel exactly like myself. Myself pre-pregnancy that is. Sometimes, I literally have to remind myself I am pregnant and going to be a mom. For example, Sunday night right after our favorite show, The Walking Dead, had it's season finale, I made this comment to Joel: 

" When Walking Dead comes back on next, we will be parents of a 3 month old baby girl." 

As the statement settled in, his face had this look of shock and bewilderment. I too, had a similar reaction. I'm pretty sure we looked a little like this:

We both find it sometimes hard to believe that this is real. Maybe it's from our lack of pregnancy symptoms or maybe it's denial. Maybe it's because our life hasn't changed much. We still have the same routine. We haven't painted the nursery yet. (Bye Bye Makeup Room) Or maybe it's because I'm not too terribly big yet. (Should I be? I'm not weighing myself, I know it would be too depressing for me, but that's another blog post altogether.) 

Either way, Joel and I don't really talk too much about our new arrival. It's as if we haven't accepted the fact she is coming. Maybe it's too scary to think about or perhaps it's because we are still in that "broke" mindset and are busy paying insurance  premiums and SAG dues and car payments and shit like that to think that in 4 months or less, there is going to be a new roommate living in our house! 

I think that's basically what it boils down to ya know? Money. I hate that it's something we discuss about on an everyday (almost every conversation) basis. I'm sure that with more money comes more problems but let's be real, yo! When we had more money, we certainly were happier. Not in a vain way, but that we were at ease with our bills. It didn't feel like they were LOOMING over us, taunting us with their monthly payments. I have faith that soon it will be easier. It's funny; once you hit the bottom and survive it, you have much more faith that you can get through anything. 

As a smart little fish once said: 

 

During this low period, I REALLY struggled. Not just struggled professionally, but personally as well. How could I go from this:

  

Happy College Graduation kid! You got a bright future ahead of you!

To this? 

This is not what Cal Poly promised us (NOT MY ACCOUNT BTW, just and exaggeration)

I just fell into a depression back in January. I was a Cal Poly SLO graduate! I had so much potential yet here I was unemployed and pregnant (I almost named this blog that!). I had no job, so I couldn’t be spending any money on hobbies like shopping, I was pregnant so it wasn’t like I could really partake in any sports. I was sending out resumes and going on interviews but NOTHING was working.

I’m lucky. I had a ton of support from my mom and my husband. Both who told me that we would figure it out, we would get through it. Both told me “Not to worry” before each interview, because it would work out if it was supposed to

Moral of the story, if you have EVER felt hopeless and depressed because life isn’t working out the way the  it's "supposed" to, I’m here to say it does get better. Not right away and sometimes you will fall back into the shitty slumps where you don’t even want to get out of bed. But gradually, it does get better. One day you wake up and you realize you don’t feel as bad as you did the day before. Maybe your dog makes you laugh by rolling over when you asked him to sit, maybe your horse greets you with a “HI MOM” nicker every time you go see her.

  

Cause who can stay sad when this beautiful soul calls for you when she hears you walk up? And yes, I just shamelessly plugged my HS Senior Picture. Deal with it.

Maybe your kid or your husband looks at you and just says " I Love You" out of the blue. All of these are reminders that there is a lot out there. Even if you are only able to get out of bed to walk your pup or play soccer at the park with your kids, that’s enough on some days. It’s enough to remind you that you are alive, that the world is still moving and that you do have a lot to look forward to.

In the middle of my funk period, my baby girl started moving around inside. Sometimes, I think she moves around when I need a reminder the most. Like “Hey Mom, don’t forget I’m here with you too! You aren’t alone.” 

And sometimes…that is enough.